THE SAD TRUTH – For Many, Father’s Day Means Coming to Terms with Feelings of Guilt and Shame
My father, Richard North, died in a Navy jet test flight crash when I was six years old. He was my hero. Fifteen months after his death, my mother, Helen North who had eight children, re-married a man named Frank Beardsley who had ten, making us one of the largest families in the country. We became famous, and our story was featured in the movie, “Yours, Mine and Ours”. But it wasn’t one big happy family. We had to hide the fact that we were living a lie.
I was seldom comfortable around Frank Beardsley and never thought of him as my father even though I was required to address him as such or be punished. The Frank Beardsley I lived with was not the same man that Henry Fonda portrayed in the film. The movie character was kind, wise, rational and understanding. He was someone I could have willingly honored on Father’s Day! But the real Frank Beardsley was everything the fictional one was not. His violence and abuse created a life of intimidation, turmoil, fear and depression for me and my siblings.
On what might have been a wonderful day of celebration, I was filled with rage at the unfairness being forced to pay tribute to a man who was, in my mind, the opposite of everything that Father’s Day stood for. This dilemma presented difficult questions that, at the time, I had no answers to: “Why are we smiling at this man who terrorizes us every day? Why did my mother marry this man and take her children into a dangerous environment? Why don’t the adults in my family do something to get rid of this evil man?” My mother protected the image of the perfect family at all costs. She made efforts to reinforce her public image of him on Father’s Day by encouraging the children to write cards for him, but I don’t recall ever having participated. I felt guilty and ashamed.
Unfortunately, in households which are plagued with violence and abuse, too many children are faced with the additional burden of guilt and shame by the expectation to respect and honor a man on Father’s Day who is loathed and feared.
It seems I’ve been trying to come terms with this matter most of my life. As I write near the end of my book, during the last of the family therapy sessions, after his moment of apology when Frank admitted that he was guilty and had indeed abused his children, I realized I had to forgive him – not so much for his sake, but for my own healing and survival. I’ve found that this healing process never ends.
There is hope. Recently, I spoke at a Rotary Club meeting where many of the male members told me that they’d had a similar experience and how they made a conscious decision to break the cycle of violence and abuse with their own children. Not long ago, a reader sent me a message that said, “Thank you for writing your book. I now have a better understanding of my relationship with my own father”.
I am proud to be a father and I am honored and humbled to be loved by my children and my wife. Even though I learned how to create a positive and healthy environment for my family and children, Father’s Day is a day of enormous contrast for me. I can’t help but think of the pain and suffering I lived through and remember that along with child abuse survivors like me, there are families and children who are faced with similar, dreadful circumstances every day.
I’m grateful that my true story of survival and hope is touching many, and inspiring them to follow their healing path as they come to terms with their feelings of guilt and shame that surround their relationship with their fathers.
TM is Proven to Reduce Stress Caused by Trauma of Child Abuse and Domestic Violence
Recently, my wife Connie and I returned from doing our meditation program for a week in the Golden Domes of Pure Knowledge on the campus of Maharishi University of Management in Fairfield, Iowa. Participating in the daily meditation in the Dome is truly a joy! As soon as we set foot on the campus I felt the profound silence that pervades the area. It is a powerful feeling.
During our stay, I was interviewed by 3 radio talk show hosts and 2 television anchors. (Check out my radio and TV appearances.) Plus, I was featured in a newspaper article in the Fairfield Weekly Reader. The University Alumnae Association interviewed me for an article in their newsletter and I appeared in a video segment for the university endowment department. My presentation and book, True North, The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours,” was well received by the people who attended the book signing that was held at the Revelations Book Store and Café. I also was the featured speaker at the University Business Department students’ monthly seminar. It was a delight to share my experience as a student at MUM and to provide insights about the business world the students will be exploring in the not-to-distant future.
During all of this activity, I was happy to have my meditation time where I could turn my attention inward and enjoy the quite space within. There are many well-documented benefits of Transcendental Meditation (TM). For example, studies show that practicing TM can help improve academic performance.
One of the biggest challenges that most people face is managing stress. Reducing stress and helping to create a supportive environment is another benefit of the practice of TM. Learning and practicing TM is more important than ever as a recent NIH study indicates that overwhelmingly, childhood trauma caused by child abuse and domestic violence has a devastating impact on human development and health, and even leads to disease. TM is proven to reduce stress from this trauma.
I can personally attest to this. After living a life of child abuse and domestic violence, I was a mess – I was depressed, unhappy and ill. When I learned TM, I started on a road to healing and recovery – my life turned around.
The David Lynch Foundation has been sponsoring scholarship programs to help women and underprivileged children learn TM and begin to enjoy the benefits of this program. To learn more about this amazing opportunity, go to www.davidlynchfoundation.org.
Sitting in the silence of the Maharishi Golden Dome of Pure Knowledge is an honor and a privilege I will cherish forever. I thank the hundreds of meditators who gather there each day
The Season of Love
It is now the traditional season of love, according to Hallmark that is. We just celebrated Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you had a romantic or heartwarming message delivered by someone close to you.
Valentine’s Day actually began in the 4th century as a celebration of uplifting messages sent by one or more persons whose name was Valentinus to those who were persecuted by the Romans in the early days of Christianity. In the 14th century it began to take on romantic meaning, and in the 17th century England, Valentine’s Day took on the modern tradition of delivering flowers, confections and greeting cards between lovers.
So what is this thing called love? Is it simply a trick of nature to hormonally persuade a species to propagate? I suppose if one were cynical enough, that might make sense. But it would be a shame to settle for such a simplistic explanation. For example, the great saints throughout time have said that Love is God and God is Love. Here are a few more love quotes to ponder:
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” –Lao Tzu
“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” –Aristotle
“Love is the moving energy of the Universe. It is what animates all things and motivates all action. Love, is ‘Life’s Longing for Itself’. –Kahlil Gibran
“Love is the supreme content of life…” –Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” –Dr. Seuss
So, is it this constant external out flowing of love that creates meaning in life? Or, do we need to look within and practice loving ourselves first as my movie mother, Lucille Ball, advises?
“Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” –Lucille Ball
I’ll be posting more about the healing power of love and forgiveness, and why we all need to find love within ourselves to truly continue on the path of healing.
During Valentine’s Day Season, reflect the divinity in another person back to them, because that is what a true act of love is – and let them know you see the potentiality of the light of love, in them.
I honor the light within you.
Lucille Ball poses with child actors who played the Beardsley children in “Yours, Mine and Ours”.
We Don’t Have to Relive the Sad and Bad Memories of Christmas Past
When I think back to my childhood, I don’t remember much about the ten Christmases I spent in the Beardsley household except that I often found myself extremely depressed. While some of the other children in the house seemed to be excited about the holiday atmosphere, I found it difficult to develop any enthusiasm for it. The constant background stress of the threat of domestic violence and child abuse was always present.
Beardsley children hanging Christmas stockings
There is one photo of all the children in my famous family looking up at a wall covered with Christmas stockings in the living room of the Beardsley home. The mood set by the picture is one of family fun anticipation of the holiday and Christmas spirit. Though I’m guessing there were probably some members of the family who may have been genuinely excited about the holiday season, I do remember thinking it odd that they were willing to pretend that all was well when it certainly didn’t seem that way to me. I don’t remember much except disappointment and a desire to escape and go somewhere else.
It is so easy to get caught up in the superficiality of holiday celebrations. The preparations, the cost, the media bombardment, both overt and subliminal, to consume, consume, consume! All of this can be stressful, drawing us into the trap of reactive and destructive behavior. In fact, reacting to the demands placed on us can even trigger old abuse tapes in the brain and before we know it, we could be snapping at our loved ones, or worse.
In addition, it is understood among sociologists and psychologists who study such things that there are health and mood issues that arise out of the seasonal shortening of the days in northern climates. As daylight shortens due to the earth changing its rotation relative to the sun, the time spent in darkness lengthens. This can create mood swings and a darkening of attitudes that can result in shorter tempers and behaviors that might not occur at other times in the year. Many people suffer from this disorder, called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.
Combine SAD with the stresses already mentioned and the holidays can be a time which leads to domestic violence and abusive behavior. It is important to remember to stay centered in our awareness of what the holiday season means, not just in a historical context, but in the present moment.
I believe we have the opportunity every day to create new memories for the future. We don’t have to relive the sad and bad memories of Christmas Past. We can create new Christmas memories in the present for the future. What new memories will you create?
If you find yourself feeling less than enthusiastic or sad and depressed about the holidays, please consult the resource guide at truenorthbytomnorth.com. There are people who can help.
Share My True Story. Share Your True Story.
I am constantly being approached by people I know socially or professionally and whom I consider emotionally stable. In every case, they begin a conversation by thanking me for writing True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours”, and then describe their own childhood challenges and experiences with domestic violence and/or child abuse. I find it interesting and inspiring that there is this consistent theme: Readers are moved to look at their own childhood programming and ask themselves the question, “What was my early childhood programming like, and is there something I need to do about it?” This issue, of course, is the main point of my book.
Many readers have shared that they have purchased multiple copies my book and passed them out to their family members. One person asked if she could send her copy to a friend in another state. I assured her that it was her copy and she could do anything she wanted with it. I was amused when it seemed that the light went on over her head and she exclaimed, “I know what I’ll do; I’ll just buy another copy and have it delivered to him!” I smiled at her and congratulated her on a great idea.
While there are bound to be detractors here and there, and people who may not be ready to face the truth of the past, the overwhelming connection that readers have found with my true story suggests that they have discovered within themselves a desire to clear out the errant instructions in their own subconscious, or in the subconscious of someone they know. Either way, this is a positive development that can help us make a difference in the lives of many.
Child abuse and domestic violence in all its forms are very serious problems that have been going on for a long time – there are now millions of child abuse survivors who need help. In my conversation with NAASCA founder Bill Murray on his radio show, “Stop Child Abuse Now”, I was truly moved his commitment to be a helpful resource to those who are struggling with abuse issues. He points out that child abuse knows no boundaries – it is in every corner of our society.
True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours” is not just my story, but is the story of everyone who has suffered from child abuse and domestic violence. If you are reading this blog, you, too, can do something about this devastating epidemic. Share my true story. Share your true story.
Hope for Victims of Domestic Violence and Child Abuse – With Help, Children can Grow Up to be the People They Were Meant to Be
Recently I had the opportunity to be a guest speaker at the annual fundraising luncheon for Voices for Children – CASA of Monterey County. For the approximately 250 people in attendance, I shared passages from True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours”. During the presentation you could hear a pin drop. The people were interested and I was honored when they showed their appreciation by giving me a standing ovation.
It was extremely gratifying to speak with the attendees who came to my book signing after the luncheon. Many of them remembered the movie, some knew one or another Beardsley or North family member. Some shared their recollections with me and thanked me for writing my book – for coming out with my true story about the real-life family. I have already heard from several who have already finished the book and were moved by the story. One person said she was going to buy a copy for every member of her family.
Many also shared with me their stories of living with domestic violence and child abuse. Unfortunately this problem in our society, and around the world, is rampant. Here are some statistics about domestic violence and child abuse that you may not know:
According to a study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15.5 million children in the United States live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year, and 7 million children live in families in which severe partner violence occurred.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, women who have experienced domestic violence are 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease, 60 percent more likely to have asthma and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than women who have not experienced intimate partner violence.
It is proven that living under these circumstances affects not just the psychological health, but the physical health of all involved as well. Is there hope? Yes. A perfect example is the story of a teenager, Ryan, who also spoke at the luncheon. He told how he ended up as a ward of the state, moving from foster home to foster home, never knowing any kind of stability, until he became familiar with CASA and the guidance they provide for children in need. Since getting in the program, Ryan has been adopted, is living in a loving home, and leads a more normal, stable life. CASA made the positive changes in his life possible.
Ryan told his story bravely and honestly. I was proud of him for his strength and delivery. As a person who has experienced some of the same difficulties Ryan faced, I felt compassion for him. When I was a boy, CASA did not yet exist and society had a different set of perspectives on family life and the way domestic violence and child abuse was hidden in a cloak of secrecy and shame. (In many cases, it still is.) Fortunately for Ryan and other children like him, we have evolved in our understanding of what constitutes a safe, healthy environment.
Today, CASA is doing amazing work. Before the luncheon, I spoke at length with the CEO of the National CASA Association, Michael Piraino. Michael is a wonderful, compassionate man whose commitment to CASA and to the children it serves is impressive and inspiring. During our conversation, Michael said something that was both simple and profound. “What we do at CASA is work to remove obstacles so that children can become the people they were meant to be.” Wow!
I am committed to working with the national CASA organization and its local chapters to raise awareness about the issues of domestic violence and child abuse in America. But budgets are cut and funding is needed to lift up more children and give them a voice. This is why I’m donating 10% of the proceeds of sale of True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours” sold on this website to CASA.
October is Domestic Violence Prevention and Awareness Month in the U.S. We have much work to do in removing obstacles so that children can, in Michael Piraino’s words, “…become the people they were meant to be.”
We can Stop the Perpetuation of Child Abuse and Domestic Violence
An old classmate of mine from Maharishi University of Management, (which I still like to call MIU) has been following my blogs and the articles that have been written about my book, True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours”. In a recent email conversation, he sent me an obituary that has been circulating on the internet. The obit was written about a woman in Nevada who passed away recently, leaving her children angry and bitter. According to the obituary, she had been extremely violently abusive to her children, and they wrote about her in the most unflattering and resentful terms. Her passing was a relief to them all.
My college friend added an editorial comment that I found of value and I wanted to share it because it seemed so simple on its surface, but is far more profound in its implications. He said that as a child, his parents had spanked him regularly, and they had tried to convince him that the spankings were good for him and that it was his fault that they had to spank him. He followed with an expression of wonder at this and said, “I can’t imagine ever hitting a child for any reason!”
While I agree with my friend, and have never hit either of my daughters, the dynamics of parental abuse of their children are more complicated than we might like to acknowledge or perhaps wish they were. When my daughter Diana, who is now 26, was just a toddler, an event occurred that illustrates how challenging it can be to be a parent and manage all the responsibilities and relationships in a family. At the same time we attempt to integrate the behavioral programming we received as children and respond to without even knowing it. Let me give you an example from Chapter 26 of True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours”.
I had been enjoying a typical evening at home with Connie and our daughter Diana, then eighteen months old. We had finished dinner. Connie then nursed the baby while I got up and did the dishes. Putting the pots and lids on the counter after drying them, I watched as Diana stopped nursing, slid off Connie’s lap and waddled toward me, smiling. She reached up and on her tiptoes, grabbed a pot lid and slid it off the counter. She rocked back and forth on her tiny legs a bit to catch her balance. As she did so, an angry voice in my head yelled at me, “Hit her! Beat her! She could hurt herself doing that! Punish that child! Smack her right now!”
In my mind and in my heart, I knew this was the voice of Frank. The violent programming that I didn’t even know was in me had been activated by this simple act of a child. Fortunately, my years of meditation had given me the ability to distance myself from any impulse to follow these horrific instructions. I thought to myself, Leave her alone. Watch her and see what she does.
Diana turned around and walked to the lower cupboard across from the sink. With one hand, she opened the cupboard, balancing the pot lid on her head with the other. She put the pot lid away, closed the cupboard and turned around, smiling broadly at her accomplishment. She had wanted to help her daddy with the dishes. I picked her up and hugged her and kissed her chubby little cheeks. I told her what a good girl she was and we laughed together.
Amazed, I turned to Connie and told her what had happened inside my head. We marveled at the time bomb that had been planted so many years earlier and had just gone off. Fortunately, it did no harm. Had I responded to the negative programming that I could only associate with Frank Beardsley, I could have destroyed any desire my daughter might ever have of being helpful. Had I followed the errant software that had been written in my mind, I could have done the same kind of damage…
Based on my experience of having that errant software triggered in my brain by a simple act of a child, I have to believe that I am not alone in having had that event or similar ones occur in a parental context. I believe we are all programmed by our parents or those whom we were influenced by in our early years to react in unconscious ways that often have damaging consequences for our children and unfortunately for generations to come.
As much as some people would like to believe that domestic violence and child abuse are either rare or non-existent in our society, they are far more present than absent in American homes. The only way we are going to reduce the incidence of this plague on our children is to raise awareness on a national scale, and to educate parents.
To help draw attention to this important issue and to help children who are already victims of abuse and violence, I have partnered with National CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) For Children. With hundreds of chapters all over the country, we have the opportunity to increase public awareness and help people understand just how critical this is for the future of our children, our families, communities and our nation. We are making a difference in the lives of children – lifting them up and giving them hope.
Children are waiting. When we can reach a child in need, his or her life changes for the better. You can help.
And for those who find themselves at the effect of negative preprogramming, please get help and break the perpetuation of child abuse and domestic violence.
On what might have been a wonderful day of celebration, I was filled with rage at the unfairness being forced to pay tribute to a man who was, in my mind, the opposite of everything that Father’s Day stood for. This dilemma presented difficult questions that, at the time, I had no answers to: “Why are we smiling at this man who terrorizes us every day? Why did my mother marry this man and take her children into a dangerous environment? Why don’t the adults in my family do something to get rid of this evil man?” My mother protected the image of the perfect family at all costs. She made efforts to reinforce her public image of him on Father’s Day by encouraging the children to write cards for him, but I don’t recall ever having participated. I felt guilty and ashamed.
Today, CASA is doing amazing work. Before the luncheon, I spoke at length with the CEO of the National CASA Association, Michael Piraino. Michael is a wonderful, compassionate man whose commitment to CASA and to the children it serves is impressive and inspiring. During our conversation, Michael said something that was both simple and profound. “What we do at CASA is work to remove obstacles so that children can become the people they were meant to be.” Wow!
My college friend added an editorial comment that I found of value and I wanted to share it because it seemed so simple on its surface, but is far more profound in its implications. He said that as a child, his parents had spanked him regularly, and they had tried to convince him that the spankings were good for him and that it was his fault that they had to spank him. He followed with an expression of wonder at this and said, “I can’t imagine ever hitting a child for any reason!”